Sometime during the pandemic, my sister asked if, as someone with a lot of friends, I ever feel lonely. My answer was absolutely. There were stretches when everyone just happened to be busy, leaving me with no one to talk to or hang out with. Or just sometimes getting in my head a bit. Moving to England gave me a chance to experience a different kind of loneliness.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
During my first few months, I hated it here. The night before my sister went back home, we both cried. A lot. I was overwhelmed by all the things I hadn\u2019t expected to be different. The internet had told me the UK was accessible\u2014praised London for it\u2014but I hadn\u2019t realized how different \u201caccessible\u201d could look in practice. I wanted to go home but also didn\u2019t want to feel like I\u2019d wasted my and my family\u2019s money getting here.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So my sister told me to give it until January. If I still wasn\u2019t happy, no one would judge. She and my brother-in-law would come back with all of the suitcases (my room was far too tiny to fit them ), we\u2019d pack it all up, and I\u2019d go home.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I cried a good amount the day she left\u2014and many times after. I had no friends yet. I wasn\u2019t fully comfortable navigating, both on and off campus. I spent a lot of time inside, by myself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Though I woke up fairly early for classes (a habit that carried into my days off), I often didn\u2019t get out of bed until around eleven or noon. With New York five hours behind, it meant it wouldn\u2019t be long until someone back home was awake and I\u2019d have someone to talk to as I went about my day.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I spoke with my sisters and friends every day. They offered to take virtual walks with me to help me get more comfortable with the area or were available for emergency FaceTime calls when I over- or undershot something on campus. That constant contact was actually why one of my best friends told me she was pregnant before her first trimester was over. She\u2019d complained a few times about not sleeping or feeling well, and one day she finally cut herself off and said:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cListen, I\u2019m just going to tell you. We talk all the time\u2014you probably would\u2019ve figured it out anyway.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
On the London side of things, I was developing a relationship with my aunt-in-law\u2014my brother-in-law\u2019s aunt. Before my sister and brother-in-law went back home after helping me move, she told my sister to send me her number in case I needed anything. I no longer remember if the first thing I reached out about was setting up a bank account or getting a Halloween costume\u2014perhaps it was just to say thank you for the offer. Either way, we started going on biweekly lunch dates. I got to know her, tried out delicious restaurants, and forced myself to get more comfortable traveling here (navigating a new country as a blind person will be its own post).<\/p>\n\n\n\n
At this point, I was also marking my days by when family and friends were going to visit. Spending time with Sandra helped me watch the calendar a little less.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I also had classmates inviting me out or helping where they could. On my very first day of school\u2014since my class had been moved to a different building at the last minute\u2014my professor met me in the morning and walked with me there. Later, when I confusedly left the building, map out and ready to find the supermarket I\u2019d only walked to once or twice before, someone offered to help me get there.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
One classmate invited me to lunch, another to her Halloween party. Some invited me to a pub after school events, and others offered to help me keep learning the area. I made a friend in the choir I joined and was slowly coming out of my loneliness shell as my relationships with all these people began to sort themselves out. Some were becoming \u201cschool friends\u201d or \u201cevent friends,\u201d while others I was actively making plans with.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
A few weeks after moving, I updated my location on dating apps. I let it be another push toward gaining confidence traveling\u2014if I was going on dates, I definitely wanted to be comfortable with my surroundings. I had a series of conversations that went nowhere before I started dating Matt. Spending time with him became another brick in the foundation of my social life here. (I\u2019d also like to note the universe\u2019s humor: we went on our first date two weeks before I went back home for New Year\u2019s\u2014and just under a month before that January \u201creassess my life\u201d deadline.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n
In March 2023, I got an email from my residence hall saying my room wouldn\u2019t be available over the summer (the program ended in September). The idea of moving all my things out in May only to move again in September sounded overwhelming, so I started looking for an apartment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Ultimately, I ended up moving in with one of Matt\u2019s friends\u2014it was my first time living with a roommate. There were a few kinks to work out, but overall it was a good experience.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
After some time though, the money I\u2019d carefully budgeted from my student loans started to run out, and my job hunt was proving unsuccessful. I began paying attention to the posts from immigrants and citizens alike about how poor the job market had become. Of particular interest were posts from people in a similar position to me\u2014those applying for or already on a graduate visa\u2014and how many of them were worrying that employers weren\u2019t interested in temporary workers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The catch-22 of the graduate visa is that while it allows you to work for two years without sponsorship, once those two years are up, you have to either switch to another visa or find an employer willing to sponsor you. So for many employers, hiring a graduate visa holder just delays the inevitable need for sponsorship. So money and housing were quickly becoming issues.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But at that time, I was still hopeful. So I applied for the visa, then a few months later moved in with Matt and his roommates and continued job hunting. I had a brief internship with RNIB, but that was it. I\u2019d been struggling a bit with loneliness before, but this is when it really started to pick up. With less money, I couldn\u2019t go out as much. And those friendships I mentioned earlier? Most didn\u2019t last beyond the activities that initially brought us together.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I started exploring less. Often I\u2019d just go to a local caf\u00e9 when I got tired of being inside, but everything cost money. And the loneliness that had been lingering in the wings began peeking its head around the curtain. When I was living with Matt and his roommates, it helped to have people around. Even if we weren\u2019t interacting all the time, there was comfort in knowing others were there. But then we moved out of London and into our own place.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It was\u2014and still is\u2014great having our own space. But it was another adventure: learning a new area and dealing with bus drivers who didn\u2019t announce my stop. I found myself spending too much time alone. Working as an audiobook narrator, while neat, only made that worse\u2014it\u2019s an extremely solitary job.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
There\u2019s nothing wrong with spending time by yourself, but when it starts to feel like that\u2019s all you do, it can become all-encompassing. Of course, I have Matt, uni friend (Ducky) the person who invited me to her Halloween party, my aunt (Sandra), and Matt\u2019s friends, who I now consider my own. But I sometimes can\u2019t help comparing it to my core back in New York: the many people I can hang out with on a couch or go on an adventure with, no planning required.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
There are stretches when I don\u2019t engage much with anyone outside of Matt\u2014or with anyone at all. The time zones don\u2019t help. When I wake up, I often don\u2019t have anyone to talk to until midday or later. By the time the US people are up and getting ready for work\u2014or winding down for the day\u2014I’ve settled into the flow of work,, am hanging out with Matt, or just not in the mood to chat anymore. So then when Matt\u2019s out, that silence doubles.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I try to be mindful that Matt doesn\u2019t feel the weight of my lack of socializing\u2014but I know he sometimes does. It puts a different kind of stress on each of us. For me, it\u2019s a quiet ache I feel self-conscious to name out loud; for him, it\u2019s the worry of whether he should be doing more. He always tells me, \u201cIf you ever want me to stay home, just say so,\u201d but I feel intensely uncomfortable doing that. I\u2019m always aware\u2014perhaps hyperaware\u2014of resentment forming, even if it never would.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I think we underestimate how much the small, everyday interactions matter\u2014the coworkers you chat with, the person at the shop, the neighbor who says hi. I do take walks and still go to caf\u00e9s sometimes, but the lack of meaningful engagement takes its toll. At the end of the day, I\u2019m still sitting in that caf\u00e9 not really interacting with anyone and spending money I could be saving for something more engaging\u2014like actually going out with friends.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
As a consummate overthinker, spending endless time in my own head isn\u2019t great. I sometimes even find myself dreading being inside. Sometimes, it\u2019s just hard. It\u2019s hard being lonely. It\u2019s hard dealing with the sadness that comes with that. It makes the loneliness feel very\u2026 stark.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019ve seen many expats talk about how differences between similar countries\u2014like the US and UK\u2014can actually feel more jarring because you expect them to be the same. Going somewhere completely different, like Senegal or Japan, forces a shift in perspective. But moving from the US to the UK feels deceptively familiar. You speak the same language, watch the same shows\u2014you feel safe in your expectations. Until suddenly, the differences sneak up on you. Oreos taste the same, but the soup flavors are completely different. (And the hot dogs? Why are they in a jar?!)<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When I talk about being homesick for friends, family, and familiar places, I used to feel like I had to add, \u201cBut I still love it here. There is still so much to explore.” I\u2019d start explaining all the logistics Matt and I would have to figure out if we ever moved to NY, because I expect the question: \u201cWell, why did you move?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The answer is simple: because it was my dream\u2014and I made it happen. But there\u2019s no way I could have predicted the turns life would take. It’s one thing to read about homesickness, it’s another to feel it. It’s one thing to be hopeful as you build friendships, it’s another to find yourself wondering, a few years later, why they fizzled out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It\u2019s okay for me to be homesick sometimes. It\u2019s not all the time. I lived in New York for nearly twenty-six years. It\u2019s especially okay when I\u2019m struggling. I\u2019m also aware of reverse culture shock and that many of my friends have moved or are in different phases of life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It\u2019s easy to dwell on what\u2019s hard\u2014and how simple things might feel if I were in the same time zone as my people. But I also know that my idea of \u201chome\u201d is a perfect memory of something that doesn\u2019t quite exist anymore. Places have changed. People have moved. And our president is\u2026 well, that\u2019s probably a whole other post.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I still go to London to spend time with aunt Sandra and Ducky. When Matt and his family went on a short trip over the summer, Sandra stayed the night so I wouldn\u2019t go days without human contact. Ducky also came over and spent a day. And, while the timings may not always work out, I still have my friends and family in the US who are always there when I want or need them. Sometimes I have standing calls with them while they get ready for work or plan virtual dates.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I still sometimes muster the energy to go on adventures because I do genuinely feel there\u2019s more to explore here. The relationships I\u2019m forming are ones I value\u2014though if COVID and moving taught me anything, it\u2019s that distance isn\u2019t what makes true closeness. Getting more established as a narrator will help increase my income, but, until then, there\u2019s the dual problem that connections are what make this life feel fulfilling\u2014and building those connections often costs money: traveling, eating out, going places before that level of comfort can be formed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Matt and I are also slowly building bonds in our new community\u2014having local shop owners and National Rail staff recognize and chat with us when they see us. Those smaller, though no less significant, connections are growing. And as noted above, they matter too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019m also planning to get back into group hobbies, though that comes with its own cost-balancing act. I\u2019ve also been (unsuccessfully) trying to make connections on Bumble BFF.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And finally, there\u2019s the American Expats UK subreddit, which is a lifesaver\u2014for finding American equivalents of products, commiserating over the loneliness, and appreciating the parts of this life that are good or just different.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This feeling is far from unique to me. The details vary, but new mothers, other expats, and people who\u2019ve moved to a new city or town within the same country all deal with loneliness. It\u2019s already hard making friends as an adult\u2014add moving to another country with different social norms, and, well, it certainly doesn\u2019t make things easier. The core group I mentioned from New York? They\u2019re friends I\u2019ve had for at least a decade. Many of the people you meet as an adult also have their cores, people they may have known for just as long, and sometimes just aren\u2019t interested in expanding. Hobbies are also a great way to meet people, but it can be frustrating when the friendship doesn\u2019t go beyond that. (I think that’s what happened with the others I’d become situational friends with. Once university or choir were over, they already had their own core groups to get back to.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And if all of that wasn’t enough, add being visibly disabled to the mix. Sometimes, at those group hobbies or events, people put me in a weird box as soon as I enter the space. It\u2019s as though needing a guide or a quick visual description automatically makes me childlike in their eyes. Their tones get softer or higher when they talk to me\u2014or to the person next to me as though visual acuity correlates to agency. It\u2019s different from the people on the street who are far too comfortable asking intrusive questions about my vision. Either way, it gets exhausting when I\u2019m blind before I\u2019m anything else.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
No, it doesn\u2019t always happen\u2014and sometimes I have to catch myself from feeling grateful just because someone talks to me like a human. Of course they should. I\u2019m an interesting person, and it\u2019s their failing if they don\u2019t see that. But as true as that is, it\u2019s not always at the front of my mind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
In short, it sucks. But there\u2019s nothing to do except keep trying. I do still sometimes feel frustrated that, after three years, I don\u2019t have a bigger circle\u2014but I also know it\u2019s a work in progress. And there\u2019s some comfort, oddly enough, in knowing that loneliness is, ironically, a communal experience.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
its already hard making friends as an adult, add moving to another country to the mix with different social norms and, well, it certainly doesn’t make things easier.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[22,43],"class_list":["post-4006","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-blog","tag-daily-life","tag-travel"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/lilymordaunt.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4006","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/lilymordaunt.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/lilymordaunt.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lilymordaunt.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lilymordaunt.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=4006"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/lilymordaunt.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4006\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4013,"href":"https:\/\/lilymordaunt.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4006\/revisions\/4013"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/lilymordaunt.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=4006"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lilymordaunt.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=4006"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lilymordaunt.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=4006"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}